Bilfinger Berger Magazine 1/2009

Mr. von Senftleben, do you remember the first time you flirted?
Yes. I was six years old and wanted my grandmother to give me another helping of chocolate pudding. It worked.

How did you pull it off?
My father says that I flirted like mad to get the poor woman to give me the pudding. That inspired him to predict that I would either become a politician or a party animal. It was a similar situation in school when I haggled with my teachers over my grades: My homeroom teacher once told me that I would make a great used car dealer.

Which you aren’t. How do you actually make your living?
For four years now I’ve been teaching the art of flirting in radio programs, seminars and books. I’m what one would call a professional flirter.

How many women do you flirt with in an average 40-hour “work” week?
I flirt all day, every day and with each and every woman that I come in contact with. In a bus, in the office, via text messages, e-mails or on the phone. That’s the way I communicate; it’s pure routine.

How does a flirt start? With small talk?
No, I hate that. A conversation must have some substance. Only then are you, in a positive sense, “unusual.” You have to give people something to remember you by.

Does this only work with women?
No, with business partners as well. I differentiate between the romantic flirt and the business flirt. I have had vacuum cleaner salespeople in my seminars, lawyers and managers. When empathy is involved, it’s always about open communication. And about negotiating. Flirting is a permanent sales pitch.

How does the romantic flirt work?
There are five rules: courage, sincerity, individual action, humor and “the three big S’s”— Self-reflection, Self-confidence and Self-irony. The decision to become a flirter means having to practice.

And how do you practice flirting?
Here’s a simple example: While on the street, ask five women in a row for directions to the train station. Step two: Make five women laugh. The fastest way to succeed at that is through the irritation method. For instance, I say: “Excuse me, where in the world am I anyway?” And after two seconds, she’ll be smiling.

So, first and foremost it’s all about words?
Everything counts, but for me words play a leading role. The more expressive I am the better. With words I can also be persuasive on the phone and on the Internet. It’s best to practice with text messages because you have to work economically.

But isn’t it easier to win someone over through a personal encounter than through a text message?
Not necessarily. A text message is a more polite way of getting started: You don’t expect an immediate reaction and there’s no pressure. You play a game. A power game. If I first receive an answer to my text message after three hours, I wait a bit more than three hours to answer it. By the way, when writing text messages you should always keep in mind that you are expressing yourself to an audience. Women will definitely show text messages to a girlfriend. Which is why the messages have to be courteous and humorous — and original. So please, don’t sign off with “bye now.” That’s fatal, because it’s boring.

What’s the best way to start and finish the message?
Let’s say it rained on the first date. You can then, for instance, address the lady with “Dear Queen Cloudburst” or with “Dear Princess Soaking-Wet.” The conclusion also has to be funny and have a certain lightness to it, discreet and full of promise. Always brief and to the point: adjective, colon, name. For example: “Captivated: Phillip.”

And how do you find the right words?
I differentiate between pointed and dull words. Pointed are good because they are straightforward, for example “curious” or “sensitive.” Dull words are interchangeable, like “nice” or “beautiful.” A basic rule is: React to what is being said by the person talking to you, show an interest without telling them what you think they want to hear. There’s nothing less sexy than submissive compliance.

Those who follow your advice will be kissed in less than two weeks time, according to your promise. Does that also hold true for rather unremarkable people?
I don’t look all that great. But the visual impression factor can be covered up. I’ve always had to do that. You have to rack up points on other levels: by being entertaining, inspiring confidence, being a good listener.

What should be avoided at all costs?
Bellyaching and bragging. That’s the absolute worst.

Aren’t you sometimes bored with all that flirting?
No. The magic is new each time because every individual has something amazing that I want to discover. Ultimately, I believe it’s all about love. If someone flirts successfully, love can blossom.

And are your books an absolute must in order to learn how to flirt?
You can also watch “Pillow Talk” with Doris Day and Rock Hudson. The movie is almost fifty years old, but when it comes to flirting techniques it’s ingenious: They get it completely right, and I’ve applied it to my own life.

How can a woman put up with you?
Have you already found the love of your life? A mean question. Let me put it this way: There are women in my life and there is love in my life.

Interview: Uschi Entenmann, Illustration: Skizzomat
Bilfinger Berger Magazine 1/2009